Selfishly Speaking
by aruhi
Summary: [CCD - IdomuNokoru] While on the path of taking revenge on a certain blonde, Idomu realizes that he is the one being pulled instead by Nokoru. Is love always selfish or is it just Idomu who thinks so? Idomu reminisces. (Mild shounen-ai)


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A/N: Hello there, everyone! I'm back again and my lousy writing as well! * blushes * Anyway, I want to thank everyone who reviewed my first fic, **Sincere Smile** despite it's awfulness and the fact that it was a confusing story ^^. ( I admit that, too! ) I appreciate every bits of it so I made another one for everyone. ^__^ ( In fact, I am having trouble if I can keep my promise to you all regarding the Nokoru POV in my first fic since I find it VERY hard to write ^_^;;. )

And yeah, you've read the right summary ^^. I am a Sukoru ( Suoh/Nokoru ) fan at heart, but sometimes, my heart also betrays me for I am also fangirling Idokoru ( Idomu/Nokoru ) coupling after watching the last few episodes. ( I even like Idomu/Nagisa because of their music-lover attitude! 0_o ) So yeah, I give this pairing a try ^^. I wrote this a long time ago and edited it just now because my writer's block momentarily vanished. ^___^

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WARNING: IDOKORU or IDOMU/NOKORU pairing. I can't say this piece is shounen-ai because they don't even touch each other in here, so I'll just say this one is **mild shounen-ai/slight OOC-ness **because of Idomu's attitude and possessive revelation ^^. Also, **spoilers abound** so if you haven't watched the last few episodes of this wonderful series, and do not want to be bombarded by this fic, stay out. And so are you, **flamers**. ^__^

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DISCLAIMER: _Clamp Gakuen Tanteidan _and all it's related characters belong to CLAMP, so... * kneels before them * Thank them for creating this anime! ^__^ ( Kinda Hyper today... ^^;; )

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Selfishly Speaking  
( Idomu POV )

I hate you, mainly because you stole my mother and her beautiful smile from me when we were still young. I clearly remembered her smile in my mind. It was so sweet yet so calm, like one could drown in it once they saw that. It was one of her rare smiles and yet, she gave it to you that easily when you flashed her your innocent smile for the first time, while here I was, who had been trying my best to let that out, couldn't even see it in my own ways.

Shouldn't I be the one who would receive those smiles? I've tried to become mature at such a young age so that mother wouldn't have any problems with me...

But I always got her usual smiles while you got the special one.

And that made me jealous. Big time.

That also drove me to get my revenge on you from that day when mother died. I transferred in CLAMP Campus to carry out my plans for your fall: To see you waver, feel fear and above all, to witness your suffering face.

Just what I felt when I lost my mother twice.

Because your attitude irritated me and that smile you always wore on your face never ceased to make my blood boil. I wanted you to frown and get mad and see what it likes. To know that you're still a human and that you could be hurt, too.

Did you know how much happiness I felt when I saw you do that?

The more you hurt, the more joy it gave to my darkened heart. So I continued torturing you and your beloved campus, knowing that I could win over you and my mother would smile at me that smile I had been yearning for so long to see...

... But I was wrong. In the end, you won our little game; a familiar smile tugged on your lips as you reached your hand to mine, always the kind and helpful one. You asked me then if I was all right as if nothing happened between us and somehow, deep inside my heart and mind, I remembered something.

That time when I first considered you as my enemy. I was on the lowest branch of the Cypress tree you and I used to stay with by then and I was shivering in the cold atmosphere, my breath appearing to be like a thin smoke coming from my numb mouth. It was already midnight but for the first time, I didn't feel like going inside our house and sleep in my warm and cozy room.

And that's when you appeared. At first, all I saw was a light coming from what seemed like a small fluorescent lamp but as the light grew, I saw your familiar pale face and bright azure eyes, staring back at my shock emerald ones. I immediately forgot my momentary shivering.

You were looking for me; your ruffled clothes and a few dirty scratches on your face and arms told me so. But instead of scolding me for hiding in here, you just stretched your hand to mine and said that everything was all right and smiled at me afterwards. [1]

You did the same thing to me again.

You were my best friend... and I deceived you.

A sudden flow of guilt took over me as I bit my lips.

Perhaps, mother was really disappointed to have me as her son. After all, I was a failure and I failed everyone. The Yudaiji zaibatsu, my only best friend, and my mother... I didn't deserved to see my mother's smile, and she had made the right decision for not giving it to me and to you instead...

But here you were again, shaking your head and telling me that I was wrong. You took something inside your shirt and gave it to me, and I was so shocked.

That picture we took before my mother died. We were so happy in those days, weren't we? Both of us were struggling to stay still and to stop from laughing so that we could take the picture already while mother was... Gods, she was _so_ beautiful. Mother was holding her favorite umbrella by then and she was telling us to stay quiet with that lovely smile of hers...

I paused. At the back of my mind, the image of the same Cypress tree appeared again and mother was standing under it, her beautiful navy blue hair swayed in the wind as she turned her head to me, flashing me that smile that was recorded in my mind, though much clearer and better for me now.

She was smiling to _me_. Not to you nor to anyone else, but to _me_ alone.

I never felt so happy like this before.

"You can keep it if you want," your gentle voice echoed in my ears, noticing my silent musings. "As long as it will ease the pain in your heart and it will make you happy, it's all right." you said without hesitation and smiled at me again.

I didn't know since when I learned how to cry, but all I knew was tears started to fall in my eyes, and I didn't wipe them, much to my big dismay.

I was crying uncontrollably in front of you, after I told you that boys do not cry when we were still young.

  
  
  
  
  


I am a boy...

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... But boys are still human so they can cry as well.

I became like this...

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... Because of my selfish ideas to retrieve my mother and her smile from you.

I hated you...

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... Because you stole my mother away from me, but in the end, I realized that as long as you were there by my side, I continued remembering her, and the more you act and smile like that, it's getting me harder and harder to let her go, since you were just like her...

My eyes widened at the realization, amidst of the tears that continued to fall in my emerald eyes.

And for that very reason, I began to know that...

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... From that day I saw and met you...

I closed my eyes then hugged the picture tightly in my arms, bracing myself from the revelation my inner self would reveal.

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... I loved you, Nokoru, but I was too scared to admit that to myself because I'm afraid that one day, your heart would be stolen by someone else like I thought you did to my mother...

That was why...

I froze when I realized what I thought.

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... I wanted you to be alone, because selfishly speaking, I didn't want anyone to have you but mine alone...

  
  
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OWARI

  


So... how is it? Is it good or bad? I don't know why, but in my opinion, this piece is somehow better than my first fic, which is a Suoh POV and a Sukoru fic ^__^. But anyway, I accept constructive criticisms and any positive reviews, except **flames**. I know I've mentioned this before, but I just want to be sure ^^;. It's just plain stupidity, you know.

[1] I know this isn't true ( as shown in the manga ), but I just want to show that Nokoru has been looking for Idomu in this fic ^^;;. That must be an effect for listening to _Taiyou ga Matta Kagayaku Toki_ several times... ( And this story is kinda based on that song ^^;;. )

( fic written: 3/05/04; edited: 04/03/04 )


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